Growing and changing is a process and decisions are made over time and often in moments that are never expected or accounted for…not when a ball drops. What’s with that ball anyways…it doesn’t drop, it slides slowly down a pole. So if I had to make a resolution this year or hope to grow myself and teach my kids anything, it would be to be kind and gentle to themselves in the growing and changing process and forget about “resolutions”. They will come naturally in their own time and in their own way if they are meant to be.

Could this possibly be a resolution for this year? lol!

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This may sound a little strange, but I gave a homeless man a dollar today & encourage everyone else to find one & do so as well. For me I experience so many emotions when doing so. Just a small thing, but it’s something we can all do - even if we only have $2 in our own pockets!

Okay…now down to business

I admit it. I do read some tabloid headlines. I am not as big of a Perez Hilton junkie as what I used to be. But I still manage to pick up on some of the latest star gazing.

The first rumors were that Madonna wanted to adopt another child from overseas which wasn’t necessarily on her husband, Guy’s “to do” list. Well, I’m sure that saying no to the material girl wasn’t really an option and with a huge issue like that, the “d” word would be hanging around.

So now, even though she denies any romantic link to A-Rod (yea right!) there is news that they are about to adopt. So why is this so interesting…minus the star dust that is sprinkled on top?

It’s the idea that two people are actually making a decision to be parents, signed papers and all…regardless of relationship status. I know some people slam the stars for the seemingly new trend of adopting foreign children…comparing it to merely other “gotta haves” in Hollywood.

However few can deny that there is a very large piece of awareness in any decision to adopt. I don’t quite get the need to adopt outside the U.S. I’m sure that there are plenty of children here in the U.S. that would benefit from a loving family.

Nevertheless, the notion is a good one and the fact that Madonna is taking it even one step further by taking a less traditional approach by simply finding a willing participant and not worrying or complicating things with the romantic/relationship status, makes it even more cutting edge.

So if there’s a real fire behind this smoke, kudos Madonna!! Just lay off that botox a little, okay?

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It’s nothing personal Santa. It’s just that for some reason, I don’t like lying to my kids…about anything. Even something that everyone seems to think brings so much fun and joy into a young child’s life.

I joke with my kids. I will tell them something just to pull their leg & enjoy seeing their eyes get really wide. But after the joke is over, the truth is out. Obviously as a parent, I do shelter them from some things, but for the most part, I would consider myself an honest parent in all areas.

I did a few years of Santa (not overboard with cookies & milk) with my oldest & since my twins have heard about him from everyone out in the world, I just nod and shake my head yes to their tales of “telling Santa Claus” on each other. I even kept my 10-yr-old from disclosing this great truth to them when they threatened to tell Santa on him for not behaving. As soon as he said, “there is no….” I repeated the mantra of let them be children and don’t take that from them. Take what from them is really what I’m asking myself?

I remember staying up late, falling asleep in the hallway waiting on my glimpse of this supposed big fat, jolly man with a red get up. I remember feeling a little cheated and angry, knowing that my sleep had gotten the best of me in another year of trying to disprove this figment of worldly imagination.

Isn’t there already enough joy in the holidays that there is really no need for me to feel guilty or like my children will further question other things that I will tell them in the future because I have given into this treasured myth and legacy of a “Santa”?

Once again, it’s nothing personal Santa, but I would like to leave my kids with a little more empowerment than teaching them that their holiday happiness is dependent on whether they are “good or bad” and how much this sentiment leaves them under the tree. For when Santa goes away along with the years of their childhood, the holiday’s should be no less magical.

I know, it’s official…I’m a grinch

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When I was pregnant, everyone just knew I was having a girl because I was “carrying high”. Well, honestly I didn’t care to have a girl. I was never a “girly girl” and wasn’t one of those “I’ve want a girl” women. So when I found out I was having a boy, I was perfectly fine with it.

Then came the announcement that I would have twins. At this point, I couldn’t imagine having three boys, so I did silently hold my breath for at least one pink ribbon to hang on the delivery door. I must admit, I left the ultrasound very happy after finding out I would be having a daughter.

Well, fast forward to my twins now being 4, and I REALLY couldn’t imagine having three boys. Not saying there aren’t exceptions to all rules, not saying that I would ever be able to stomach three girls, or that some of the boy/girl characteristics don’t get dispersed among both sexes….but from my experience, yes, there is definitely a noticible difference between my girl and my two boys.

I know this sounds horrible, but the best comparison that I can think of is with cats and dogs. Cats being the more independent, cool and graceful - dogs being the more co-dependent, demanding and slobbery, lol.

My daughter can go off for hours and play by herself. She hardly ever throws temper tantrums or is as whiny as what my boys are. The boys are way more active. There are constant erruptions like a ball being thrown through the air or the toss of a body on a bed. Once again, not saying that my daughter isn’t active and doesn’t like jumping on the bed or doing typical child things…but there’s a difference.

It’s really funny after my whole experience and observations of all of this and I can actually see why there are those people out there (that I used to harshly judge) who really pushed for a boy or a girl. Maybe it’s the fact that even though I can barely remember my first few years of life, she reminds me of myself. There’s just something magical in that. There’s also something magical when having gas isn’t the hot topic of almost every dinner conversation!

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I suffered from depression beginning with my pregnancy and I continued to experience it up until my oldest was about a year old. Of course I, like many others, did not go to the doctor concerning it.  Perhaps this is why depression isn’t seen as the epidemic that it is.

There was the time factor. Who can take off work and has a babysitter to go to the doctor because you aren’t feeling like yourself and are feeling “down”? Then there is the “stigma” with depression. If you aren’t loving life (especially while & after having this “bundle of joy”) then something definitely must be wrong with you. And lastly, like everything else in life, you figure…eventually it will go away. And yes, eventually it did for awhile, but later down the road, I experienced a different kind of depression.

The first time was where I felt completely hopeless and bored with life. Not sure if it was hormones or simply because I was experiencing a dream of being a mother and had the “this is it?” life question? The second time came a year or two later, after the hormones rested and it was more of a completely overwhelmed, tired and burnt out depression. I couldn’t imagine my life being the same work, home, kids rat race for the next 18 years or longer.

I began working on a business to work from home thinking that would ease the stress some. Not so much. It did help with the tiredness of of the long days and commute, but with less pay, tax hell and my degree being wasted I concluded after 2 years, it wasn’t worth it. So now I’m back to a 9-5 again. However I will say that this time around, I am taking better care of myself. I’m not so controlling with the kids and am much more eager to let their dad and family take care of them.

The kids are also older, so that makes it slightly easier and more manageable. And the most important difference is making sure that I still do things for myself like I did before children. I have made a habit of writing (obviously) and still pursuing other dreams besides being a mother as well as taking an occassional Sunday long cat nap!! You wouldn’t think that these small things would help with depression, but they have made a huge difference for me.

I figure there are all types of depression & some probably need to be medically diagnosed and treated. But alot of things we can take care of ourselves if we just stop, listen to our lives and create a plan. Unfortunately, like with myself, it often takes many years of living & learning as women before we wake up and ask ourselves what’s important and what we really should be doing with our lives.

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So pink hair, huh? So where is she getting this from? Maybe the girl from Lazy Town on Nick Jr.? I can’t remember. Maybe it was the toy catalog that they so generously gave out at daycare that has the girls putting different colored extensions in their hair? Pink hair is just the lastest. There’s always something that she wants that is like another little girl. I tell her, Brielle, your hair is beautiful…and it is.

She’s got a beautiful head of dark brown curls. I know she will tire of it one day, but I didn’t expect it at the age of 4.

I want for my daughter to feel as if she’s perfect and doesn’t need to change or even grow up for that matter! When I give her a choice of snack, she says…whichever will make me bigger. I pick her up at daycare to her teacher telling me she had dressed up and stuffed her upper dress with other things and referred to them as “boobies”. Her teacher told her to refer to them as “cookies”. What’s better? Actually, who cares. I just never thought I would be dealing with all of this girly drama already! Dr. Spock doesn’t touch these subjects. I wonder why? I know they are all pretty natural things, but all of this and she hasn’t even started school yet?

I know that one day, hopefully, she will grow out of the mimicking and be a happy and secure young woman. I know that even I of course struggle with issues and am still figuring out who I am, what I like and learning about self-acceptance. Maybe it never goes away, even when it dwindles some? I don’t remember being that young when I started though? Maybe that’s a good sign and she’ll have it all figured out by my age if I go ahead and allow her to have pink hair now?

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I have never been big on funerals. Some people go just to be nosy, or even to be reminded that we aren’t immortal. I mean who are we kidding here, funerals are for the living.

I did attend a funeral when I was a child. I vaguely remember it, but it was a babysitter of mine that died. I just remember she was wearing a very aqua dress and as my mother and I approached the casket, I asked her if she was wearing any panties? I’m not sure why I asked such a question, but obviously I had no clue as to what was going on.

I didn’t care too much that I never saw “Shorty” again. Probably because my only other real memory of her was that she spanked me with a fly swat for peeing on myself. However, just as I have always been puzzled as to why anyone would line up in order to see an awful looking dead body, I have wondered even more so, who would take their children to do so?

Sure, I think kids are equipped at an early age to be given an understanding of death and be given logic in order to not fear it. However, they can surely not understand Auntie May in a coffin not moving or talking or why everyone is crying because of it. Just like in church, there’s always the baby or child that needs a nap or has too much energy to sit still for an hour. Except with funerals, there may be some monumental moment in a persons life that is drowned out or forgotten because of it.

I understand attending a funeral with a young child when it’s the babysitter that you are burying. But other than that, I don’t see too many other good reasons. Maybe there should be an age appropriate law like well behaved, 6 and up only?

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There was a notion that women stayed in marriages and relationships in the past for important things like children and financial security. There is a notion now that women have came far enough to no longer need a man or relationship for these things, so happiness is the number one priority.

In my opinion, ultimately I don’t believe things have changed as much as we would like to believe, or that the change is even really all that necessary.

I used to be one of those young girls who said I would never stay in a marriage or relationship if I was not happy with that person, regardless of the amount of children. I saw women in my family who stayed “for the sake of the children” or financial security in marriages that they may not have otherwise stayed in. I said that would never be me.

However, there is also another side to this coin. As I have gotten older, I realize that happiness doesn’t lie in a relationship in the first place. I have realized that a lot of people’s misery in marriages and in relationships is felt when they are looking more at the other person than they are themselves.

And while I would never suggest someone stay in a relationship where they are being abused (without doing any abusing ) or in a hostile environment, I do say that when you have children, it’s not only your happiness anymore. Even if/when your husband or partner is an insensitive jerk or you feel like you may have grown apart , there is still a lot of value in the old saying of staying for the sake of the kids. In the process, there may actually be some personal growth.

I am not saying that I will not possibly move on to another relationship in the future if I feel that the time is right for me to move in a different direction. But I do think that when it comes to having children with someone, when you are mature, you do realize what is at stake and make decisions a lot slower and wiser.

So while we have made progress from feeling that we “have to stay for the children”, we can also give credit to those who have made a conscious decision to stay with a partner or parent even without the feeling of having to. Just as there is a time to go, there is a time to stay and it doesn’t hurt if it helps raise some youngin’s!

What do you think about staying for the sake of the children?

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I think it first starts when they are able to reach in one particular direction or another (around 6 months). Usually the first bond is with the mother, so us moms are lucky there. But once dad or someone else has taken over a few times, then it is quite possible while we are holding them, they reach for that other special someone.

The rejection doesn’t end there of course. There are times where the other parent leaves or where the stay at grandma’s is just too great and you go from hero to zero. There are morning’s like this morning where I go in to tell my lovely daughter to rise and shine and she tells me… “you are not daddy”. Ouch, talk about a popularity ratings drop. It doesn’t help if you have a parenting partner that is a great parent.

A lot of women complain about the dad’s. He doesn’t help, he doesn’t discipline. I can’t say any of that. And because Daddy is not the homebody I am and loves to take them out and about and is so much fun, then I’m fighting a losing battle. Some dad’s actually seem to be the better parent because they don’t tend to get as stressed out and keep their cool a little better. Maybe it’s because simply one word coming from that deep throat of their’s does wonders for snapping them back into shape.

Oh well. I know there are many moments when I am the one that they request or that they can’t wait to see coming through the door. I know that even though I share the center of my kids universe and the road of competition gets even greater as they grow older, that the moments of love and joy far surpass the inevitable…rejection.

——————————-
How To Raise Kids Who Won’t Hate You.
Is it possible to raise a child who doesn’t blame you
for everything? America’s TV Dad Alan Thicke will show you.
——————————-

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Of course this fact has often bothered me, but because I have two other children (twins) to care for, I don’t lose sleep over it. I miss my oldest and often wish he was here to share everyday life with me and his brother and sister, but I also know the reality of the situation and that his father has every bit of a right to raise him as I do.

There is also the reality of me being one person and three children is often completely overwhelming. Not saying that it can’t be done, not saying I don’t do it often on the weekends, but saying that it can sometimes feel like enough to send me over the edge.

The twins father handles his half of the responsibility by caring for them half of the time. We often have grandparents and a few other selected family members as well that help out not only physically, but financially.

The financial savings comes not in the form of a check, but in saving with the cost of clothes, toys and occasionally summer camp. There’s no way I could afford the Jordan’s that my oldest got for his birthday or could have spent the time and effort looking for them at the affordable sale price that his retired grandmother did.

Then there are the medical and dental bills that come from regular doctor visits and the prescription medicine that follow…times 3. It’s a good thing I have two fathers for my three children and they are both financially sound. Otherwise, I would be like millions of others who are dependent on our government or their parents or families to help them provide for their children. I know there is one fact, which is that I could not do it on my own.

It’s unfortunate that many people don’t speak the truth about the reality of motherhood or parenting. It is frowned upon or looked at as complaining if you state the reality of it or talk honestly about how impossible of a job it is, especially if you are attempting it by yourself. Someone pays the price and isn’t doing any favors by trying to look like a super-hero or super-mom when it comes to parenting. Just like where the Wonder Woman I loved so much who bends steel so impressively, super-mom is another myth that is only found in Hollywood.

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