Not too long ago I wrote a personal post on my mother going through some medical issues that she has been struggling with for the last two years. A few weeks ago she passed and like many children who experience the death of a parent, I have found it to be a very emotional and life altering experience. Even though it has been very hard to comprehend that she will no longer be a part of my physical world (minus the obvious like her surviving through me and my children), there have been a few comforting things about her death. First there was the fact that she wasn’t suddenly taken. There’s something to be said for being able to tell someone you love them 100 times before they die and being there for them in any way you can in order to also show them how much you love them. I was the last person to wash my mother’s hair, clip her nails and give her a Valentine’s day card. I really see more now of how meaningful the small things are in life and death.

Being that I have been unemployed for the past several months, I was able to make more frequent visits and have more time with her since I knew that she probably wouldn’t be here for much longer. Every time I saw her, there is something that I will remember from that visit. I remember seeing the last time my mother smiled at me and it is something that I will take with me til I pass. Probably the hugest comfort was the fact that I was able to be with her the night she passed. Although it was quite difficult and I didn’t know when exactly she would take her last breath or if I would be able to be there, I was. There were some great nurses who helped tremendously (I even remember all 3 of their names, and I don’t remember names!) and I lightly slept on and off only waking when they would come in and check her vitals. Hospice had came in two days before, so she was comfortable towards the end and therefore I was comfortable enough to be with her.

There was a great peace in knowing that she would no longer be in anymore pain after her long 2 year struggle. Right after she passed, I felt like I had been shown that the meaning of life lies in death. In those moments right after there was such a peace and stillness that even in the midst of her leaving, I knew I would be okay. Even though I don’t tend to be a religious type of person, if there is a God, I could feel it in those moments. I felt like I had witnessed something amazing being that I was actually there as her spirit slowly left her body. And being that I have been in labor a few times, oddly enough it felt like labor but the other way around. I was called in at 6am on Saturday morning when they couldn’t get her vitals and she had momentarily stopped breathing and I was with her until 4am Sunday morning when she stopped breathing completely. There was no shower and very little sleeping or eating going on. I can’t miss the irony that she was 31 when she gave birth to me and welcomed me into this world and I am 31 now and got to be with her and witness her exit. Before and after have been very painful and emotionally draining, but it’s still been an amazing part in my life experience.

There also have been a few things that I have learned for myself, my own children and others that I had really never known or thought about before when it comes to these rare moments. I don’t know how many times the nurses or someone would ask me something where I said, “I don’t know, this is all new to me”. Obviously, most people don’t experience the death of someone many times to someone they are really close to like a parent. But there are some beneficial things to think about and consider that make things easier on everyone.

The first one that I learned the hard way, was that when a nurse or someone tells you that even though they aren’t talking, they can still hear you…listen. Many of my family members were there with us earlier in the day and even though there were many hours filled with irrelevant chatter and some story telling, there was some talking concerning her death and dying. In those moments, I could feel and see my mother getting anxious and therefore her pain increased. Even in the moments that the family and even maybe she knew that death was near, human instinct and fear can kick in and you don’t want them to experience that if at all possible. I had to hold her hand and reassure her that everything would be okay and she would slowly relax again. Even though my mother still had a strong will to live for me and her grandchildren, her body was failing and in her last hours she fought by not wanting to take pain medication. Even though it’s the hardest thing you possibly ever witness, you need to let them know that you are going to be okay and that them passing is okay.

The next thing is that it is so important for family to be there. If for nothing else, for pain management and hand holding. Even with lots of nurses and even hospice, there is a certain level of pain medication that each person needs in order to get to a state of comfort. With someone constantly by the person’s side letting the nurses know when the person is in pain, the less the person is going to suffer.

Last is that hopefully the person has communicated their wishes during and after death so that you are comfortable in making those decisions. Right after a person passes, the decision making already starts and funeral homes expect immediate payment. With my mother she was cremated and fortunately we already have a family burial plot for her ashes, however the simple cremation and service etc., was $2,000 plus. Never mind all the details if and when someone owns property, there is debt and multiple beneficiaries. I’m an only child, so I lucked out a little. But the more prepared as parent’s that we are for our death, the easier it makes it on our spouse or children who are left.

One pet peeve of mine about funeral’s and memorial services is that too often they are turned into more of a church service, and too little is said about the person, their life and what they really meant to their loved ones. In my case, since I am a writer and I felt very strongly about someone speaking on my mother’s behalf and remembering her in the light that I felt she would want to be remembered, I wrote her eulogy and stood up and read it. It was a great moment in the midst of all the sadness and I made it through without any tears. They didn’t start flowing until I sat down. But I did it for her and hope that one of my children could do that for me. Maybe I will even do them the favor of writing it for them

So there you have it, a very difficult and hard experience in life, but something that we usually all go through and have to handle at some point. I know that it has given me a greater insight on life and that even though there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t spent a few moment crying and in a place of sadness, I know that there is peace in the fact that she is no longer suffering and that now she is always with me. RIP Mom - I love you.