There’s something magnificent when you hit that magical age of “spending the night” with your friends. If you are lucky, you live in a neighborhood where there are other kids your child’s age and they have someone to play with. It’s like having an extra child so yours won’t get lonely, but not having to pay the cost.

There’s a definite unfairness in the world when I see my boys playing (even though there’s a 6 year age gap) and my girl who tends to be often chucked to the side just because of her gender. It’s given her a greater sense of independence, but there’s always that silent sigh that leaves me a little saddened for her.

So unless you are in one of those tight nit communities, then your kid’s friendships are usually limited to school or extra-curricular activities. However, once that magical age hits (say around 10 or so), there are the questions of “can I spend the night” etc.? So as a parent, what are the guidelines? Like everything else, most of the time you end up just trying to go with your gut.

There are the obvious things like knowing the parents of your kid’s friend. But then there is the not so obvious like how much time to do you let them go off and “do their own thing”? You want your child to be happy and learn some independence, but you also don’t want your child necessarily spending too much time with someone else’s family either. There may also be the issue of one’s child spending too much with your own. Drawing these lines in the sand can be confusing as well as challenging at times.

Being the mean parent can be inevitable at times and this is probably one of them. While you can’t dictate family time after 18 years of age, you can dictate it before then. The best thing is to be prepared for the time to come before it does so you can think about what will work and what will not work for you and your children. Next is to carry out those guidelines in a consistent way through the years, especially the teenage ones. Part of this consists of doing the most you can to make family time an enjoyable experience and if your kid still whines and whimpers through it, then you at least you know you did your part. They have to understand that they are an important part of your family picture and without them, it wouldn’t be the same.

When at all possible, make your house the place your kids and their friends would want to hang out at but also make it clear when it’s time to go home. You want your child to develop their own identity as well as relationships out in the world, but you also want to keep your family unit in tact and to be the main source of that identity. Like most things parenting, this is a challenge.